Queer eyes and my Straight Guy
by Happiness Fooled
Summary: Loosely based on the programmee Queer eye for the straight guy. Go on read it its funny!
1. How it started

Queer eye for the Straight Guy

okay this has been beta, so there are some small changes but please still review!

Disclaimer: Just Standard, I don't own the Characters or the places, I just use them.

Characters Albus Ron Harry Draco Snape (actually straight with Hermione)

Warning: is mention of Slash but not graphical or anything of it just mentioned.

Humour and Romance

For Hagrid and his Dragon.

"Right guys we have a mission for one of our staff" Albus say during a briefing whilst steering at Snape's bare feet.

Snape shifting uncomfortably under Albus's stare, wondering why the fuck did I agree to this, I'm happily married and I swear this will make me queer, by being surround by three of the most famous queer males and one very grotesque she-male. 1

Getting sick of Harry, Draco and Ron eyeing each other with lust, he stood suddenly and started saying "you sick grotesque people, you disgust me, you just make me want you" full of heavy sarcasm, and stormed out.

Walking down the corridors he realised he never found out the mission. Quickly turning his direction back to the headmaster's office, he walked into Hagrid.

"What do you want?" Snarled Severus

"Why, I just wanted to thank-you for agreeing to be the fifth man in this Queer eye business, but truly thought that you were happy with Hermione" A more than slightly confused Care of Magical Creatures teacher. 2

"What are you on about, and of course I'm happy with my wife and I am most certainly not the fifth queer guy, I'm merrily part of a group with three queers and a strangely grotesque she-male, and I am the only straight man there." Snape stated to a really confused Hagrid.

"And now if you excuse I must return to the headmaster…" dodging the half giant "…to find out my most wonderful mission of turning a straight guy to a slightly queer guy in order to impression his partner." The Potion Master reply full of sarcasm.

Upon, reaching the gargoyle he muttered the password "Fab Five" and entered to find the she male Harry enjoying the three queers doing what they do best. "I'd just be going again but if you can um, tell what staff um, member our mission is for that would be great," Severus was just about to shocked for words, and realised that they hadn't seem to hear him. "HELLO, I AM HERE YOU KNOW," Shouted a suddenly angry Potion Master. "No need to shout we hear you the first time, but it is always fun to see you uncomfortable…" laughed Albus "… and of course you can know its Hagrid for this Dragon, she isn't very impressed with his style and all so she nominated him."

Shaking his head, he walked into his chambers and meet with the sight of his wife on the couch reading. "Hermione dear, I don't think I'd be in bed to night." Hermione looking up in concern and seeing the distressed look on he husbands face, closed her book and got up and kissed her husband passionately, "Now Sev, are you sure you don't want to come to bed tonight…" questioned a very seductive looking Hermione. "… Now what ever happened cant be that bad that you don't want to join my and baby," she said as she ran a protective hand across her pregnant belly. "Oh, but there is, have you ever seen Albus, Ron and Draco play chess and Harry enjoying the view of them playing." Asked a nearly on tears Severus. "Okay, now I'm just lost, wants wrong with chess everyone plays it dear," but a quickly has she it, it dawned on her that Severus has never played. "You know an overly intelligent person as yourself, you have never played it and thought it was a queers game, you silly man." "You insufferable know it all," he retorted as he tried to stop the blush to come up.

N.B. okay I know a weird place to leave it but my bubby and I who are working together thought just leave it her and continue our next chapter, When we start our mission, and what Hagrid does to upset Severus.

1 Okay it was explained a little later on but for you who didn't catch it; Harry she male, and Albus, Ron and Draco are Queer.

2 Now I can't write as Hagrid speaks so just pretend that he now speak in a normal human voice.

N.B.2 You will never see me refer homosexuals or Queers as gay (no offence if it created any) because I have an aunty who's name is Gaye and a mate who's name is Gay.


	2. Teachings

Disclaimer: Just Standard, I don't own the Characters or the places, I just use them.

The thanks from the reviews are at the end.

Characters Albus Ron Harry Draco Snape (actually straight with Hermione)

Warning: is mention of Slash but not graphical or anything of it just mentioned.

Recap: "_Oh, but there is, have you ever seen Albus, Ron and Draco play chess and Harry enjoying the view of them playing." Asked a nearly on tears Severus. "Okay, now I'm just lost, wants wrong with chess everyone plays it dear," but a quickly has she it, it dawned on her that Severus has never played. "You know an overly intelligent person as yourself, you have never played it and thought it was a queers game, you silly man." "You insufferable know it all," he retorted as he tried to stop the blush to come up. _

Chapter Two: Teaching

Hermione walked over to her cupboard and grabbed out her muggle chessboard. "Okay I am going to teach you have to play chess but with the muggle chessboard, because the wizardry chess its just barbaric." So after many long hours of teaching Severus have to play, Hermione slowly started to get up, "oww!" Severus looked up startled and quickly jumped to his feet to help his wife, "Are you alright?" "I am fine, I just have numb foot from being cross-legged for awhile, and that I cant see my feet." The last bit was in complete sobs.

_Bloody hormones_, Severus was thinking but said "Honey you look wonderful in fact more of a beauty then the day I married you." Hermione face lit up with the biggest smile you ever seen. After a few more minutes of calming words, Severus led Hermione to the bed.

The next morning was difficult to say the lease for Severus. Today was day one of make over the Queer way for Hagrid. "Okay, Hagrid, knows about this so that's cool, so now we go and start. Harry and I are on interior, Ron and Draco your on Fashion, and Severus your on his make over since you're the only straight guy." Albus stated giving them their final brief. "Bloody great," Severus murmured. "If my wife goes into labour I am pulling out you hear me." "Yes, yes we hear you. And you wonder why people talk about you and Hermione!" "What are you talking about Potter?" he asked suddenly angry and curious. "Never you mind!" Potter answered with a smirk.

Out of nowhere five flying brooms appear with the flash signage of FAB FIVE on it. "No way am I going on a broom, especially with you, you People!" Severus stated a little frighten. "And why on earth not?" a more than slightly hurt Draco asked. "Why not, Why NOT?" "Yes why not?" asked Ron. "Because you're all chocolate soldiers and why should I trust you?" "Because we're family, Severus, does that not mean anything to you?" "Oh, shut up, your just upset cause you thought chess was a queer game!" answer Harry. "H-how did you know that?" asked a more than startled Potion Master. "Are your not the only one who can read faces well my dear boy." Answered Albus. "Fine, give me a broom, but don't you come near me you hear or I will put Hermione on you!" with that last statement the other four looked afraid but who wouldn't at the prospect of a nearly due pregnant woman being let lose for insulting her husband onto you.

After landing safety on the ground outside Hagrid's Hut, they made for the door. It was Hagrid's dragon that answered the door. "Well, hello Martha, you will be glad to know that you have been selected to be our first contestant, For Queer Eye for the Straight. And we are the Fab five, to conduct this transformation." Albus stated in his all game show voice. "Well, for one I don't know what to say… but I guess come in should be in order." Martha said simply surprised.

As all six made their way inside all you could hear was a pin drop!

N.B. Now can that be because the place is a dump or actually really tidy? What will Severus do to keep Hagrid straight and away from the temptations of the other four men? Say tune and find out more. And remember if you want more got to review! And if you want to flame me, be my guest because I can only learn from them.

Now onto the Thank-you

Natsuyori: Thanks glad you did hope you enjoy this chapter to!

Pathatlon: Thanks I guess, but hey it is called Queer eye for my straight guy so quite fitting!

Gazette: Well I hope with the two chapters you have a better idea now!

Nuppu: Here you go!

Okay I have probably written thanks to some of these reviewers before but I can't honestly remember. If you have any ideas they are welcome put them in a review or email me!


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